Hello, read about this sad, yet deeply disturbing story.

Hysteria comes from the Greek word “womb” or “uterus,” and comes from the medical misconcieved notion of female anatomy. In ancient greece, they believed that a displaced uterus was the cause of many medical and mental problems for women. I picked the title “Wandering Uterus” because there are times in my life where I’m pretty sure I’m crazy and unsavable, but of course there is medication for that. But what happens when the meds don’t work? Well, thats when your handy dandy coping skills come into place; music, writing, media, showers, etc.. And when those don’t work, we start using unhealthy coping skills; Drugs, sex, compulsive spending, sleeping, emotional eating. I use the term “we” so I don’t sound crazy. So, if you don’t relate to any of that, then be happy you dont deal with mania and the many things that come with it.

Hysteria, an exaggerated or uncontrollable emotion or excitement. Usually, when I experience hyperarousal it’s when I can’t numb or suppress my feelings and the only way to cope is for my prefrontal cortex to take over. This happens when something traumatic happens and your brain doesn’t know how to deal with it. For me I get very anxious and overwhelmed, I have huge outbursts of energy or anger, I stop eating, I’m very impulsive and don’t think of the consequences, and I use substances to self medicate. Recently I’ve been having a lot of these hypomanic episodes, and what follows is a complete dip in mood, which is hypoarousal or a spike in depression. After a manic episode my mood drops aggressively and its really scary actually, because I just spent a whole ass week or two binging and doing whatever the fuck I want – and now I have to pick up the pieces and deal with the trauma; Living through something traumatic is like in a game where you complete level one, but you still have 49 more levels left, including a boss level, “Congratulations! You’ve passed the first stage of grief.” only 7 more to go, you know? So who would want to deal with trauma, I know I don’t. Hyperarousal, or mania, also comes into play mostly when my healthy coping skills stop working.

I actually practice abstinence when I’m manic, I refrain from making good decisions. I know what all you neuro-typicals are thinking – “just deal with your trauma”, “go see a therapist.” Yes, i know, but it’s not that easy. You would think after the loony bin and a handful of recovery centers i would be over this – but no it doesn’t work like that. I can’t just close the void, it doesn’t work like that. Also, being in denial for a couple of years (my whole life,) doesn’t help either. Most people who experience mania have bipolar disorder, people will mood disorders will encounter something called “hypomania” which is a milder version of mania.

I always wear a hat to sleep because if I don’t my hair will stand on end and I have to get it completely soaked to even try to get it back to normal. But this morning was different. I wore my hat to sleep, knowing that when I woke up I would have flat hair that wouldn’t look like I got electrocuted. I woke up, took my hat off, and there it was – my electrocuted hair. I tried every goddamn thing to get my hair to stop sticking up. I used water, a hat again, my brothers’ pomade – yet nothing seemed to work. This is what I get for cutting my hair short. This is my penance. 

This morning my family and I were going to go on a hike in the Rockies. And I knew damn well I was going to be burning a shit ton of calories, therefore losing at least a pound or two. I tried to convince my mother that I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want to lose the weight (I needed my privileges after going on this fucking camping trip). she didn’t budge. My bipolar brain freaked out because I wasn’t getting what I wanted, so of course, I did what any manipulator would do, I fucking manipulated her. I told her I wouldn’t even go on a walk around this fucking lake because I was mad. I told her if I lost weight it would be her fault. She didn’t budge. Of course, I felt bad because she loves to hike and loves nature. but I didn’t. I sound like some grippy teenager who didn’t like to be disconnected from their phone. But that wasn’t it. I just didn’t like not getting my way. And I didn’t like walking up a mountain just to see a fucking lake. What was the point? I’d been up this trail three times. Why would I want to see it again?

The fact of me being bipolar is non-negotiable. Mostly I was textbook bipolar. manic episodes that made me stay up all night, binge on drugs, be very happy, but also very mad at times. Depressive episodes where I wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t go out of my room, wouldn’t really care about much really. But now that I’m drugged up on antidepressants and antipsychotics – they weren’t as bad. But boy did I miss my manic episodes. I missed feeling on top of the world and feeling as though I was untouchable. now my manic episodes consist of feeling happier than my usual apathetic and boring demeanor. 

“I like your hair.” A boy came up to me looking very tired. 

“Are you being sarcastic?” I knew my hair was sticking up. 

“What no.” oh. 

“Thanks then.”

This was the worst day ever. I had to climb this fucking mountain just to see a lake. Yes, this lake was beautiful in every sense of the word, but I had already seen it three fucking times. And I wasn’t trying to lose any more weight. 

I was walking up the trail and letting my mind wander. Day-dreaming about a life I could’ve had if I hadn’t let my depression control and change my life. Depression is a parasite. It embeds itself inside your brain, it’s smart that way. It convinces you that life is not worth living. That things are worse than they seem. Life has no meaning and you’re just on a rock floating through space.

That’s all we are – a tiny human floating on a rock.

I wrote this essay at 3am, after taking 40mg of Adderall.

They say we have free will – we don’t. We live under the eye of the government and live under their control.

People have morals and live by those morals. People think they live a right-minded life, but tie themselves down with rules they’ve created for themselves. We work to live, and live to work. People who follow a religion have moral liberty and don’t act on desire and appetite – they do good things because they believe they are watched, not because its the right thing to do.

Free will is an illusion, but its something. We make decisions based on cause and effect; on what other people have done and what we have gone through ourselves. If we have evolved, then things like intelligence are hereditary wouldn’t matter. But, we use those faculties to make decisions. So our ability to choose our fate is not free but depends on our biological inheritance.

For example, when you move your hand or stand up, your brain has made that decision before you even do it, same with a thought or an action. All human actions follow from prior events. The brain is a physical system like any other and we no more will it to operate in a particular way than we will our heart to beat. The human behavior is just neurons firing, causing our thoughts and actions, in an unbroken chain that stretches beyond our imagination.

People who are convinced to believe less in free will are more likely to behave immorally. When people don’t believe they have free will, they stop seeing themselves to blame for their actions. They act less responsibly and give in to their baser instincts. (In case you didn’t know what baser instincts are: it is having or showing a lack of decency, being selfish, lack of morality, contemptible. So the ‘baser instincts’ are just lust, greed, and jealousy.)

People who believe in free will are more responsible and will do the right thing because they live by morals, as I’ve said. Its shown that people who believe that free will is an illusion will be more likely to conform, won’t learn from their mistakes and become less grateful.

Also, believing we have no free will is not the best. For example, you are murdered. Well it’s ok, they don’t have free will. It is an unfolding of the ‘given’. Even though knowing free will is an illusion is an unnerving thought. An illusion is better than complacency. We are shaped by influences beyond our control.

Sure, you can think for yourself and speak for yourself, but do you have free will?

I am a very literal and blunt person – I tell it as it is.

I’ve decided to make a public “diary”, so to speak. I’m bored of writing my experiences in my journal, I want to make it public – I have nothing to hide. I’m determined to write about myself, hence the title. I’m a very straight-forward person and I think people would like to see the “real me”, instead of having an idea of me in their head. I want to connect with my readers and hopefully have them relate to me.

Alright, well, let’s get into it.